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YOUR FRIENDS NEED A BREAK FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOO

Updated: Jul 17, 2019


Raye Chance (pictured with actress Kubi Chaza, in platform shoes) wearing exercise sandals. Graham Wood / Evening Standard / Getty Images

Your significant other just pissed you off again and you can’t believe how callous and fucked up it is, and how betrayed you feel.


"How did I get back here?!" you ask yourself, "It hasn’t even been a full month since the last time!"


You call your friends phones repeatedly, you need someone to calm you down, to ease your stress at dealing with this issue again, to help you craft a message to him/her/they detailing exactly how PISSED you are.


Their phones just keep ringing, so you text them a stream of messages in your group chat, with enough exclamation points and emojis to convey your urgency.

“PICK UP YOUR PHONES!!! I AM SOOOO FUCKING PISSED, I AM FUCKING DONE!” 🙄😡😡😭 “WHERE ARE YALL, I NEED TO TALK NOWWW!! 😡😭😭😭” “I AM LOSING MY MIND!! IT HAPPENED AGAIN, I AM SO  MAD 😡😭😭😭😭😭”

But they are nowhere to be found.


You know why?


Because they are all in the private group-chat they made without you in it, making bets on who has to pick up their phone to talk you through your meltdown….again.


You are done? Well so are they.


At some point in our lives, we have to disconnect from the belief that our romantic problems are as enthralling to other people as they are to us.


We are entitled to the presence of our friends to listen to tales of our romantic woes and struggles, but how much is too much?


It is my belief that friendship is about being there for your friends, helping them through stressful and hurtful moments, but it is also about protecting them from our selfishness.

We underestimate the difficulty of our friends watching us struggle through romantic relationships that are tough on us.


They know when we are unhappy, and can see it even when we claim that we are satisfied.

To respect our relationships, they seal some of their opinions on our choices, and instead try to give us the best advice they can, hoping it will jolt us into making a better decision.


But how long will you torture them, by bombarding them with details on your relationship that are clearly indicative of major strife?


How long are they expected to listen to you complain about what you can easily fix time and time again?


We love to imagine that friendship is a bottomless pit of emotional labour, but it is not.

Your friends are emotionally attached to your well being, and are hurt every time you are, and are angry on your behalf.


They have to watch you shatter and pick yourself right back up, only to stand in the same exact position to be hurt again.


In summary, they are muthafucking tired.


Unlike you, they don’t experience the sweet moments in your relationship.


The bitter sweet angsty reunion after a break up. The make up passionate sex and the “I am sorry” gifts.


All their memories start and end with the horrible way your romantic partner has treated you. And while you may be foolishly convinced that “this time things will be different”, they are acutely aware that it won’t, and they have to smile through it and brace themselves for your next emotional meltdown over this person.


I believe strongly that your friends are always a safe space to share your problems, but they are human beings as well who should not be expected to be emotional casualties of the irresponsible decisions you are making.


How lovely to believe you have found a place to dump on incessantly, without bothering to check if your friends are emotionally equipped to deal with it constantly.


It is tiresome and emotionally frustrating, and you as a friend should be a better one.

You should bother about their mental state.


You should wonder about how they deal with constantly hearing you harp on about the same person you are not walking away from.


You should wonder how they feel to constantly have their advice rejected.

And you should understand if they are not interested in listening to your meltdowns, about the same issue they have advised you on, multiple times already.


Your friends will always be there for you, so don’t take advantage of their presence.

Their advice is a gift that shouldn’t be easily discarded, yet casually requested time and time again.

The emotional well being of the people around you, who knew you before you met your romantic partner should be important to you.


If they also have to endure your pain, your relationship is not worth keeping.

And believe it or not, people who love you enough to be there for you, should matter more than the person who is callously hurting you.


It is pure narcissism to expect anyone to cheerfully be as enthused and engrossed in your relationship, enough to watch you repeat the same mistake time and time again.


If you have plans to remain in that relationship, curtail the amount of meltdowns they are exposed to.


If you know you have no intentions of leaving, quit creating a circus around your relationship.

If all you want is to be loved the way that you want, despite multiple instances of the exact opposite happening, find other outlets for your frustration, outside of your friends.


Or better yet, find another friend also stuck in an indecisive toxic cycle, so you can both talk each other to death about your trash romantic partners.


Or better better yet, dump the trash. 


By Doreen Caven


#friendships #oped #stress